Aoife Forbes. About Boys
Words by Aoife Forbes
Photography by Christopher Owens
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about boys…..
I believe women are beginning to ‘get sorted’ in the world of equality - we are beginning to make very slow progress. Please don’t hunt me down, I realise there is a huge way to go. The bike is still wobbly, the stabilisers are still firmly on, but at least we are cycling in the right direction now.
Yes of course women have had it tough and still do I am absolutely not doubting that for a second. But I can’t help wondering if we as a society are doing enough for our next generation of men: because it is hard for them too.
Something emotional shifts in some boys that breaks my heart a little. They seem to go from holding our hands to hiding under a hoodie so quickly. Not wanting to hold hands forever is natural and holding hands with a 24 year old son would be an unusual look! I have a primary school at the end of my street and I see little boys I know change before my eyes as they walk by my house everyday. This has led me to think about how boys are growing up, how they change and the kind of man my son and nephews might be. Is it going to be a rosy future for them?
The messages boys are seeing and hearing are so mixed to me, it must be confusing for boys too. It’s ok to cry but “man up”
When I asked my nine year old son what a good man is, he answered “a kind one”. Which is very sweet, but I wonder how long he will think this? The messages boys are seeing and hearing are so mixed to me, it must be confusing for boys too. It’s ok to cry but “man up” (I actually heard a Dad tell his seven-year old son), it’s ok to talk about your feelings but “take it like a man” (again, overheard recently in the school yard).
This confusion is certainly not helped by the lazy stereotypes we have in our culture. Sayings like “boys will be boys''; stupid Daddy Pig in Peppa Pig who can’t read a map or do pretty much anything at all; the stupid husband in the ad who walks mud across the floor and the mum tuts, sighs and laughs washing it again; the stupid man who can’t work the dishwasher in another ad so the woman has to. Hey, even Ken in the Barbie movie is ‘just Ken’.
A guy I know recently said, “well I’m just the Dad, I can’t do anything right”. Are you actually kidding me? If we keep telling men this and letting them think it, surely we are creating identity problems for future generations.
Plus, what about the good guys? It’s easy to complain and be negative and in fact that seems to be the normal way of describing men. Very few of my female friends praise their husbands/ partners and most women I know complain about men. I am bashful and quiet about my (pretty awesome, actually) husband when others moan about theirs. Why isn’t it ok to big men up JUST as we need to big other women up? Young boys and girls are listening to everything we say and these sentiments stick for years and years. We have a responsibility to bring up the next generation as best we can and boys need confidence and hugs just as much as girls.
This is why I believe both boys and girls need our support more than ever. But let’s think about how we are giving that support and the language we use. Fighting the patriarchy has of course been essential and still has a long way to go. Maybe equality is the message we need to help achieve this: not girls rule the world and all men are bastards. If we keep telling men this, maybe that’s how boys start believing they are. I am NOT an expert, but if we say these things aren’t we almost giving men license to act badly in some way? Aren’t we somehow facilitating poor behaviour? If we keep telling men and therefore young boys AND girls that “men are useless”, “if you want it done properly do it yourself”, “typical man” (eyeroll) etc… then they will believe their own hype. That to me, is not equality.
Maybe equality is the message we need to help achieve this: not girls rule the world and all men are bastards.
And does all this matter? Of course it does. It really, really does. The mental health of young people in the UK is critically poor. It’s on its knees begging for help.
Urgent referrals of under-18s to emergency mental health services have tripled since 2019 and reached a record high of more than 3,000 in April. This figure rose to 3,732 the following month, more than three times higher than in May 2019, and the highest figure since records began.
466,250 young people are undergoing treatment or waiting to start care in CAMHS, also the highest number on record. These young people could fill Wembley Stadium five times over. And according to charity YoungMinds, we are in a mental health emergency.
And poor mental health can lead people to very dark places - here are some very stark facts I’m afraid:
17 people take their own lives everyday in the UK. 17. Just think about that for a moment… Imagine 17 people you know not being here tomorrow.
Suicide is the biggest killer of men and women under 35 in the UK. The North East of England has the worst suicide rates in the UK.
Self-harm and suicide rates in young people are rising at concerning rates. Suicide is the leading cause of death in 10-18 year olds. Two thirds of child suicides are boys.
Sadly for me, I know first-hand how it feels to loose someone very close from suicide. So that’s why I have decided to start talking about the issue and be mindful of how I approach mental health (for both boys and girls). Every one of us needs to take action towards a zero suicide society like the fantastic ‘Baton of Hope’ campaign I was involved with recently.
My own experience has shaped me profoundly, in all aspects of my life. Equally it has opened my eyes to a reality out there for many others. Life can be tricky, in fact it can be really hard, so we need to do all we can to look after each other to stop history repeating and break the cycle of despair and crisis. And surely that can only be done by supporting each other in the best ways possible: starting from now.
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